The Ghosts Within Me

 

Refections

Last night I got into one of those conversations, that while painful at the time, foster growth. I started thinking of my old ” theme song”, and all of those feelings of aloneness and self pity that went with it. It was titled, I Am A Rock, any youngsters out there can Google it, perfect for my needs. Like many alcoholics I grew up in an environment that did not foster trust, I learned very quickly that crying made you weak, and weakness made you vulnerable. Those became two sins that would never cross my doorstep.

At the age of 5, I went to visit my birth family and my ” newest Dad” It did not go well. I got between him and my Mother and ended up hanging from a third story slum window by one ankle, looking down over a deserted alley for several hours. I did not cry, and I did not tell; my code of conduct was formed that night. You would never break me. Never.. At the age of seven I became an “exotic dancer” when my step-father would lose at poker. I didn’t cry, and I didn’t tell. Life with a pedophile rapist got rough, and children in that type of home become victims at large…… so at age 8 when a cousin tied me up and sold me to his little friends for a quarter a pop, it was just another day at the office….my life went downhill from there.
At some point I transitioned from not crying to not feeling, it was my only survival skill , and it did not serve me well. I lived with frozen emotions, and thought that was strength. Hence, I touch no one, and no one touches me.

My understanding from the correspondence I receive, indicates that many of my readers are in war zones. That is fitting because the blog was born at the request of a young female Marine in Fallujah..She did not come home, and I cried.

I learned that people who cannot bend, must, as all of nature, break. The Willow survives while often the mighty Oak goes down. Today I want to truly survive, I want to feel, I want to cry and I want to hurt….. that’s what other people have been doing all along; i just missed the boat:)

I have always said I was grateful for alcohol because it kept me alive until I came to you people who brought me back to life 30 years ago. My life looked full , career and marriage looking good, and inside that little part of me, well, that was nobody’s business.

Today I am an open book, if something hurts I say so; without booze to hide behind ( later of course, never drink to get through, only drink to get over, right?? ) I would break… I know that now. For those of you in places where crying in public is not an option, cry on paper. Where public grieving would give succor to the enemy, grieve on paper…..but feel those feelings and find that one person with whom you can be honest. remember our 4 Absoulutes, live them.

Absolute Honesty
Absolute Unselfishness
Absolute Love
and
Absolute Purity